How to Actually Help Someone Who is Grieving

First Posted: Feb 21, 2020 12:09 PM EST
Close
How to Actually Help Someone Who is Grieving

(Photo : pixabay)


How we individually handle and work through our grief is informed by our core grief beliefs. Our grief beliefs are ultimately influenced by our family, our community and neighborhood, our spiritual and religious backgrounds, and our dominant culture.

In large parts of the Western World, grief beliefs can be incredibly toxic. So many people are taught through example that:

●      Emotions should be kept at home (unless you are happy! And then you should post about that all over social media).

●      Emotions, like grief, have timelines and stages. You should be progressing, and if you aren't, you are failing.

●      You should pull yourself up from the bootstraps. That's how we've always done it, and it is what is best.

●      That you should be strong enough to do this alone. Get through this, find happiness, and come out better on the other side (fast!).

None of these things are true, nor healthy either mentally or physically.

Most of us have heard of Elisabeth Kubler-Ross's Stages of Grief, and refer to those as guidelines on how to cope. Unfortunately, those stages of grief apply to you grieving your own death, not that of someone you love. Grief from the loss of a significant relationship in your life does not happen in stages. Instead, it is more of a spiral, coming in waves throughout the rest of your life.

Very little research has been done since the Stages of Grief first fixated the American mind in 1969, though there are organizations actively working on changing that. Baylor University and memorial diamond company Eterneva have announced the launch of a new grief research project focused on continuing bonds through new grief frameworks and memorial options.

It's a great first start, but none of that data is out just yet. So, what can you do to help your friends and family who are grieving right now?

What Not to Say

Let's start here with the easy stuff first. So many people feel so afraid to be around people who are grieving simply because they don't want to say the wrong thing.

Guess what? You probably will. We all do! And that's OK. Showing up is the absolute best gift you can give someone who is grieving.

That said, here are a few things to not say -- even if you believe them to be true.

●      "Time heals all wounds."

●      "I don't know how you do it."

●      "They're in a better place now."

●      "Everything happens for a reason."

●      "Don't worry, you'll find love again."

●      "At least they aren't suffering anymore."

These kinds of sayings might give you something to say, but they don't help the person who is deeply grieving. If you can't think of something to say, just standing them and being with them is more than enough. Silence in grief is 100% OK.

Also, don't be a grief thief, as Lisa Keefauver of Reimagining Grief describes. Grief thieves are people who are likely meaning well, but offer their own story of grief when faced with someone else's.

The absolute best thing we can do for our friends and family who are grieving is showing up, and listening. This is not the time to offer our own stories. This is about them.

What You Should Say

What you should say to a friend or family member who is grieving will change based on how long ago the death occurred.

If it was recent, simply acknowledging the situation and saying things like, "This really sucks," and, "I know this is really hard for you." Acknowledge the pain, and the situation, for what it is.

If the death occurred a year or two or longer ago, keep showing up and keep saying their name. Tell stories about them to the people who loved them most. Send a random text message here and there to let your friend know you are thinking of them and the person who passed. Let them know something reminded you of them -- and that you cherish the memories and hold them in your heart.

The goal is to focus on the life they led, the legacy they left, and how their lives continue to impact the world in big and small ways.

Whatever you do, don't say nothing. Don't be afraid that you will make someone sad by bringing up the person who died. The people who are grieving are already sad, and are already thinking about that person. By bringing them up, you are giving your friends and family members permission to talk about them in a safe space.

Conclusion

More research will be surfacing over the years on what is the most helpful for people who are grieving. Finally, grief wellness brands are popping up and putting a stake in the ground to research the topic, lean in to the emotion, and help us all build better role models and examples of what grieving well -- and supporting our friends! -- can look like.

Even Mark Cuban has invested in this work!

Right now, you can take the power into your own hands and help your friends and family simply by showing up, listening, and acknowledging the suck of the situation.

See Now: NASA's Juno Spacecraft's Rendezvous With Jupiter's Mammoth Cyclone

©2017 ScienceWorldReport.com All rights reserved. Do not reproduce without permission. The window to the world of science news.
* This is a contributed article and this content does not necessarily represent the views of scienceworldreport.com

Join the Conversation

Real Time Analytics